John 13

"Then Jesus washed the feet if His disciples..."

What comes to your mind when you read this? What do you think?
Is this weird? Ordinary? Kind? Gross?
What comes to mind?

Well, until yesterday I passed over this section in the bible without much extra thought, "That's cool," or "How sweet," but not much more until I experienced it.
Jesus did this to serve His disciples. As many of you know, feet can be pretty gross, we use them all day, we walk around on them, we walk around barefoot and walk into things, our shoes stink so therefore our feet stink, but Jesus didn't care, He washed their feet to serve them and show them how much He loved them. Jesus humbled himself to wash the most disgusting part of their bodies to show them that there was nothing He couldn't or wouldn't do for them.
Jesus practiced what he preached.
He tells us to humble ourselves, to serve others, to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, then He does it.
That is pure love, pure sacrifice, to humble yourself, get on your knees and wash the most rancid part of the body. Why? Because you love them and will do anything for them, You want to show them you care for them and you want to serve them.
This blows me away, I still haven't grasped the gravity of this action, all the love, sacrifice, humility and service behind it.
Here's what happened:
We had Women's Time last night and we started out the evening reading scripture, and praying for the time the Lord was about to give us, then we broke off to spend some alone time with the Lord, journaling, praying and reading His word.
As I started journaling and spending some time with the Lord, Bekah, my discipler, asked me to come and follow her to the back. I was confused and didn't know what to expect, but I followed her. She grabbed my hand and led me to the back of the room, where I started to see wash stations. Then it hit me, she was about to wash my feet. I was overcome. Completely.
I broke down in tears. I couldn't control my emotions and collapsed into her arms. She held me as I cried and shook and told me how much she loved me and how much God loved me.
I was completely overcome.
I have nasty feet, full of callouses and scars from years of dance and being barefoot. Plus, my feet are always dirty, always.
She didn't care, she washed my feet to show me that she loved me. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do for me because she loved me and nothing about me was too gross for her to love.
This was Christ's love in every sense of the word.
When I think about it, Christ washed His disciples' feet not just because He loved them, not just because He wanted to serve them, but because He wanted to wash them clean! Christ wants to wash away our sin, even the nastiest, dirtiest sin we have, He wants to wash it clean, Why? Because to Christ, nothing about us is too gross for Him, nothing about us disgusts Him, there is nothing He doesn't like about us, even our nasty habits, sins and addictions.
He came to wash us clean, even the darkest parts of us, he came to wash clean and he showed that is a physical way by washing the feet of His disciples.
This blows my mind. This shows me how much God loves me and how He shows us that love through other people and through community. God loves me and He loves me enough to wash my feet, no not in a physical way, Jesus didn't walk in the room and wash my feet, but if He wanted to, Jesus could come back and wash my feet because He loves me and wants to wash every part of me clean, even my dirty nasty feet.

Week 6

Let's talk about something no one likes to talk about, doubt.
Have you ever had a moment where you questioned everything you have ever thought to be true? Have you ever had that moment over and over again? If so, welcome to the last couple weeks.
I feel as if I can't see an inch in front of me, like I can't see through the fog, like things are so unclear and foggy.
To be honest, it terrifies me.
I don't know which end is up at this present moment.
BUT, this isn't the end of the story, God is not finished with me yet.
As you can see from the rest of my blog posts, I have been learning so much, it just hasn't been all peaches and cream.
This whole Christian thing is messy, and that is a perfect word for it, messy.
Here's why:
I am broken. I am sinful. I mess up every single second of every single day, I am no where near perfect.
God is perfect. God can't associate with sin, so therefore to be close to me, He has to break me of my sin, my habits, my thoughts. Think of me as a tree and God the ultimate gardener.
He has to cut off the dead branches, the rotten fruit and He has to till the ground around my trunk in order for me to bear good fruit and thrive in the ground He has placed me in.
The results are being closer to Him, which is amazing, however the process is painful and hard. As you read in the last post, I strive to be perfect, so this process of being told how not perfect I am is so painful and takes plenty of pride-swallowing.
Here's the cool thing:
The reason God shows us our sin and wants to prune it is because He wants to be close to us. God can't be associated with sin so He has to break us of our sin to be close to us.
That comforts me.
I am going through these things because God is pulling me closer to Him.
Like gold that is tested in fire, it gets refined in the flame and becomes even more beautiful!
Although I can't see an inch in front of me and everything feels like it is upside-down, I still can rest in the fact that my God is a God who longs to be with me and will do anything to hold me in His arms.

Matthew 23:12

Matthew 23:12
"Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."

Like everyone else on the planet, I have a tendency to get on my high horse and announce to the world how great I am. For example, "Look! I did the dishes! Aren't I the BEST roommate ever!" "Wasn't the dinner I made amazing?! I know, I am the most amazing chef that has ever lived!"
Obviously, some of that is a bit exaggerated, but not by much. I am sure everyone has had that moment where they feel as if they are God's gift to the world because although I don't like to admit it, I have definitely had those moments. I am also sure everyone has had those moments where the rest of the world hasn't realized how amazing they are which leads to a lot of pain for those who didn't your greatness, and that my friends is a recipe for disaster. Talking from my own experience, if you don't acknowledge my amazing cooking ability, or how wonderful I am because I did the dishes for you you better believe I will make you pay for it or pout in the corner the rest of the day until you pity, console and eventually praise me for the wonderful dish-washer that I am. I am a complete and total people-pleaser. I rely on the approval of others or I shut down. That is something I have become extremely aware of since coming to Chicago. It is evident in my life, my words and actions that I value others' opinions before my own and before the Lord's opinions. See a problem? I do.
So here is where this verse comes in. Since I LOVE the approval of others, I tend to want others to think I have my life together, I have my ducks in a row and I can do anything you throw at me regardless of the circumstances. I hate seeming weak or not dependable. I like being reliable and independent. Um, in case you haven't noticed, it is IMPOSSIBLE to be that person all the time. I am not perfect. I do not have my life together. I am sinful and I mess up every single day, every single minute of ever single day. That is why I need a savior. I can't do this on my own.
This week has proven that.
I tend to want to hang out in the lobby until all hours of the night talking to others on project or playing games, going to bed very late even when I have to work in the morning. This leads to problems because I am not getting enough sleep. Everyday this week, I have slept through my alarm or pushed snooze until the last possible second, which leaves me either feeling guilty for not walking up and reading my bible and journaling and spending time with the Lord, or it makes me late and therefore angry. Being a person who depends on looking all put together, this has driven me crazy this week. I don't look all put together, I look like a mess, lazy and tired.
On Monday, the Lord opened my eyes. Every morning, I receive a verse sent to my phone from an app I downloaded. Monday, I woke up to this verse, Matthew 23:12 and was completely humbled.
I don't have to have it all together, because the Lord does. If I act like I have my life all together, the Lord will humble me and He has. If I humble myself and realize that I don't have it all together, the Lord will reward me.
This has been a big lesson for me this week, humbling myself to the Lord and to others. I don't have it all together, and I am not God's gift to my friends or anyone for that matter.
The Lord has been teaching me not to please others before Him and although it has been hard, and very painful at times, it has been so rewarding and so good because he is getting praise!
If I continue to humble myself to the Lord, He will raise me up, not because I have it all together, but because He does.

Week 5

So I am sure you have all heard the phrase, "the Lord works in strange ways," right?!
Well sometimes those strange ways just make absolutely NO SENSE!
I'll explain.
Before coming to Chicago I had some expectations of what the Lord would do in my life, how He would change certain habits, expose some faults and sin and ultimately help me to grow in my relationship with Him and walk more closely with Him. I was also warned that the Lord may bring something up in my heart that come out of left field, things I had no clue I struggled with or needed to confront or needed to deal with. BINGO! Hey there left field how are you?!
I had an idea that this trip would be challenging but I had no clue how challenging it would be and lately it has been extremely challenging to the point of not understanding what the Lord is doing or why. And that is SO SCARY! The point of this trip was to share the Gospel with those who don't know the Lord and grow closer to Christ, not to be confused by what He is doing and who He is.
But lately, following some hard changes on project, I was left with confusion, complete confusion on what the Lord was doing, why He was doing it and what it all meant. And to be honest, I am still left in confusion at least slight confusion. I don't know why the Lord is doing what He is doing, but I do one thing: No matter what circumstances I face or what I feel, God is in COMPLETE CONTROL.
So, although my future seems a little foggy at the moment and I am unclear as to why i am struggling with certain things and why the Lord is choosing to do certain things, I know that He gives us visions and He turns them into realities. What in the world does that mean?! That means that in His timing for His purpose for OUR good! That's cool, but extremely difficult to wrap my head around.
I wish I could be more clear about what is going on, but honestly I'm confused, I don't know what is going on nor do I know what will come from it and where all of this will lead me. That is not up to me, I have no control of where I go, where I end up or what I end up doing, again, God does everything in His timing for His purpose for our good and that is all I need to know at this point and that is something I can hold onto because I know it is truth.
Sometimes the Lord works in strange ways, and I don't understand those ways sometimes, but I can rest in the fact that God does all things in His timing for His purpose for our good.
So whatever He is doing will be for my good, I just have to be patient in waiting for His will to unfold.
I know that this is confusing, it confuses me!
But again it is all for God's purpose, HE IS IN COMPLETE CONTROL and that is not confusing at all.
So I can praise the Lord for that clarity!
Praise Him!

Week 4

So let me take you back a week.
Last Sunday, we went out to the "Taste of Chicago" to share the Gospel and talk to people about their beliefs.
While waiting to leave the apartment building Rachel turns to me and says, "wouldn't it be great if you could share the Gospel with someone who is deaf, that way you could use ASL!"
I flipped, that thought terrified me. I couldn't do that, there is no way I am skilled enough for that! I would mess it up, what if I forgot a word and mislead them?! These thoughts continued and honestly stuck with me that entire day, even though I didn't actually get to share with anyone who was deaf.
I've been thinking about it since, I have this gift. The Lord has blessed me with this skill and a heart for the Deaf community and for American Sign Language, so why did I freak out when faced with the possibility of using it? It makes no sense, I should rejoice in God's gifts and use them to further His kingdom and bring Him glory. Not freak out and run from what he may have called me to do.
Well God, in His infinite wisdom and power, knew that I was thinking about this and knew that I was troubled with my initial reaction so He gave me another opportunity.
On Monday, Bekah and Adam had seen on the Willow Creek website, the church we attend, that they needed an interpreter for Sunday services. They told me to apply.
Being my usual stubborn self feeling under qualified and not good enough for the position, but wanting to use this gift God had given me, I took a step of faith and emailed the church to told them I was interested.
However, I let them know that I am not a certified interpreter only a student in the training program and if they had a specific individual who needed an interpreter, I was not qualified.
Within the day they emailed me back telling me they only wanted someone to sign for the general public and that they would love to have me help.
Praise God!
I am finally using this gift for Him!
I will be signing the services at Willow Creek from now on!
And you know what, i realized something, even if I mess up or forget a word or fall behind in the service, I am helping those who can't hear understand the service a little better. I am furthering God's kingdom by doing so.
That took me a while to realize and to accept, and I still am trying to accept that.
I could forget every word I know and stand there spelling everything and someone could come to know who God is regardless.
It is out of my control, God is going to use me regardless on Sundays to help those who are hard of hearing. Yes, I realize I need to practice and prepare for Sunday, but when it comes down to it, God is going to use me at that service regardless of my actual abilities.
It is not up to me, I need to come prepared and interpret to the best of my abilities and then leave the rest up to God.
This is something I struggle with, giving that control to God and accepting that regardless of what happens on Earth, God is in control.
I like to plan things and prepare like crazy for them and strive for perfection, but that is totally undermining God's power. He is going to use me how He sees fit whatever way He sees fit, in His timing, for His purpose.
That is something that can never change, and that is something to praise Him for. His constant supervision and control over our lives and this world regardless of our circumstance, ability or perception.

Proverbs 31

"How hard it is to find a capable wife!
She is worth far more than jewels!
Her husband puts his confidence in her, and he will never be poor.
As long as she lives, she does him good and never harm.
She keeps herself busy making wool and linen cloth.
She brings home food from out-of-the-way places, as merchant ships do.
She gets up before daylight to prepare food for her family and to tel her servant women what to do.
She looks at land and buys it, and with money she has earned she plants a vineyard. She is a hard worker, strong and industrious.
She knows the value of everything she makes, and works late into the night.
She spins her own thread and weaves her own cloth. She is generous to the poor and needy.
She doesn't worry when it snows because her family has warm clothing.
She makes bedspreads and wears clothes of fine purple linen.
Her husband is well known, one of the leading citizens.
She makes clothes and belts, and sells them to merchants.
She is strong and respected and not afraid on the future. She speaks with gentle wisdom.
She is always busy and looks after her family's needs. Her children show their appreciation, and her husband praises her.
He says "Many women are good wives, but you are the best of them all."
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but for a woman who fears the Lord should be praised.
Give her credit for all she does. She deserves the respect of everyone."
Proverbs 31:10-31

Proverbs 31 describes what God sees as a perfect woman.
She is generous, takes care of her family, respected, caring and fears the Lord her God.
As a Christian woman, I find this passage a standard in which to live up to as a woman of God. However, obviously I am not perfect. Obviously I sin and fall short and mess up, so the reality of being this woman in this passage is impossible on my own.
Knowing that I fall short, sin and don't meet this expectation on my own strength, I don't consider myself a Proverbs 31 woman.
However, while here in Chicago with this awesome community of believers and godly men, my eyes have been opened to something.
Yes, I can't be this woman on my own, it is impossible, but with God nothing is impossible.
With God I am this woman and so is every woman who follows the Lord.
You see, the men on project call us women P31's, meaning Proverbs 31, meaning this woman. When I first heard that I almost cried. These men see me as this perfect godly woman. Wow. What a compliment.
But the reality is, I can never be this woman, ever. It is Christ in me who makes me this woman. The important part of this woman is that she is godly, she isn't doing all these things by her own effort, she is seen as a godly woman because she follows God and fears Him. God working in her makes her this perfect woman.
How freeing!
To be a perfect woman, perfect wife, perfect mother, I don't have to rely on my own strength and my own effort, I have to rely on God and God alone.

On a similar note, it has been eye-opening to be treated like this woman by the men on this project. To be loved as a sister in Christ and to be treated as such. These men respect us as Proverbs 31 women and it shows.
It has been a life-changing experience!

Psalm 73

So, it has been almost a month since I started working here at Lake Street. For those who are just joining us, Lake Street Landscaping Supply is a landscaping supply company for contractors and homeowners who need grass seed, stone, mulch, dirt, sand, etc...
I was hired a week before I arrived in the city, by the grace of God.
We received a packet in the mail with all the information we needed for the summer including locations in the city that were hiring. Lake Street was on the list.
Since I have been planting flowers, pulling weeds, moving dirt and working outside for as long as I can remember, I immediately looked down upon the idea of working for a landscaping company.
Well, God had a different plan.
I called almost every other business in the packet and no one was interested. I even applied to Chuck-E-Cheese.
So I swallowed my pride and called lake Street.
I left a message for mark, the owner, telling him why I was going to be in the city, that is as with Campus Crusade and that i would like a job.
This was the only phone call in which I actually disclosed that I was going to be in the city on a mission trip.
He called me back in 3 hours asking for my availability.
The next day, he gave me a job and told me I would be in the office, not in the yard.
So, I started work the first Monday we were here.
I started with answering phone calls, transferring phone calls, cleaning the show room, organizing mark's office and taking sod orders.
Soon enough, I was working the sales desk and getting to know my way around the company and how it works.
You may have read my post about my first experience at the sales desk.
Anyhow, I have now been here for almost a month.
And God has a funny way of showing us why He has placed us where He has and what we are supposed to do for Him.
So, recently I have been rather bitter about the number of hours I have been working.
I just felt really tired all the time, and I felt like I was missing out on project, like group dates, outings, baking cookies, etc.
I was just in a funk about why I was at Lake Street in the first place.
I barely know anything about landscaping.
I am only here for the summer.
I was doing random, seemingly pointless jobs.
I just felt inadequate. I felt like I didn't belong here and I felt like I was just wasting everyone's time and money.
Well, when we do things for God's kingdom, satan likes to feed us lies. That is exactly what he was doing.
Telling me I had no purpose here, that I was not worthy of being here and that I didn't belong here.
Lies. Plain and simple.
BUT, God is good.
Today, is the start of a new week, yet I was still believing the same lies.
Until I prayed that God would tell me why I am here, why I am at Lake Street.
And it happened.
Bubba, one of the younger yard boys, came in to the kitchen where I was cleaning.
he mentioned that Joel, another guy from project who works in the yard, was talking to him about why we are here.
So I started to tell him why we were here and I asked him what he believed and why, then I got to share how Christ changed my life and what I believed to be true of God.
That is why I am here.
Period.
I am here to bring glory to God and to share His Gospel.
Isaiah 43:7
I am here to bring God glory.
I prayed this prayer this morning and the Lord showed me literally minutes later.

Wow.

Psalm 73:2-5
"But I nearly missed it, missed seeing His goodness. I was looking the other way, looking up to the people. At the top, envying the wicked who have it made, who have nothing to worry about, not a care in the whole wide world"
Vs 17
"...Until I entered the sanctuary of God. Then I saw the whole picture..."
Vs 21-24
"When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in Your very presence. I'm still in Your presence, but You've taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me."

You bless me Lord, You bless me even when I don't see it, You bless me.
See it doesn't matter if I am cleaning out the freezer, or sweeping the floor or helping customers, I am here to serve God and bring Him glory.
I am here for Him.